This is a post I made from PMN long time ago and this is my way of advertising that our site Pinoy Moms Network (PMN) is now working! According to our administrators the site had experienced some technical problems and they were able to finally fix it. All is well, BRAVO and thank you for your time and patient in fixing them! We are still in Corsica and while I am busy working out on some things I will leave you with this long post !
I speak from experience that raising kids in a foreign land is a tedious undertaking. I knew from the beginning that I would raise them differently because they have two origins. Therefore, they would have two different cultures, two or more languages, religions and everything that would go with it as a product of mixed marriages.Talking about culture, I believe that as a stay at home mother I play an important role in instilling good values and discipline while husband is at work. This does not necessarily mean that my French husband has nothing to do when it comes to disciplining our children. On the contrary, he is a big help as I couldn’t do it by myself alone. The father serves as a neutralizer when I am losing my patience. It is a matter of teach and learn relationship at home having diverse cultures. I will take this as an example; my husband does not agree that spanking is the solution to discipline our children not a part of their culture. For him the best punishment is to send them to their room and they cannot go out until they are called. This depends also on the gravity of what they did. Or they are not allowed to watch their favorite cartoons.
A Filipino couple who’s been living more than 20 years in France told me that in school, educators are teaching the children that once their parents lay their hands on them they should immediately call the police to report. As if we don’t know the distinction between outright violence and disciplinary measures. Generally speaking, we Filipinos have our own way and spanking is one of them as a form of discipline (according to research studies ). Honestly, the first thing I do is to talk to them diplomatically but sometimes it doesn’t resolve things–and the result is that they will do it again. Then scolding follows but children tend to disregard thinking that Mom loves me so she will not punish me and spanking doesn’t imply that we love them less. Now, comes Monsieur Palo (Mr. Spanky, as what my hubby calls it with an action of his hand raising). Spanking differs from beating a child. I know that we have all different strategies and tactics but personally spanking doesn’t mean physical aggression as long as we know the limits. We all know that there’s a BIG difference between physically aggressed and physically reprimanded! Now, tell me do you know anyone that haven’t been visited by Monsieur Palo ? I think we should just show them that we have the authority and be firm whatever punishment is necessary and they also have the right to reason out if needed!
Language, I am perplexed! My husband prefers that I talk to them in Tagalog but I prefer talking to them in English first because this is a big plus when they will start schooling. Since English is not a second language in France and at school they emphasizes more on European Languages (Italian, Spanish & German).
Just to reiterate, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like my mother toungue, of course I do! It’s just that I would like them to learn the international language as is it the easiest form of communication. I was telling him that I don’t think when you go to neighboring countries you could converse in Tagalog. While deciding what language to use we have encountered problems in the past with our son Sebastien, he talked very late. I don’t know why? Some says because he’s a boy and that boys are late speakers. Other says because he was confused what languages to use since there are three languages at stake. As a first time parent we didn’t know what to do, we were afraid. My husband (as an only child and inexperienced when it comes to kids) almost decided to ask help from a Pediatric Psychology. I myself by the way has 3 siblings and experienced when it comes children and telling him that it’s just normal that he will speak a bit late. We asked the pediatrician and we were advised to speak first in one language. When he’s able that would be the time to gradually introduce him to other languages. This is also to help him avoid stressing out while growing up. I think we were just very demanding at that time because we have seen children from mixed marriages who spoke two or more languages, we were impressed! After reflection, why do we put so much pressure on him? He is just a child. He is just starting to learn and he will all have the time for that. The reason why he started pre-schooling at 2 years and a half to learn how to socialize with other children of his age. Fortunately, we have good results he improved a lot. Having a second child is less difficult because our daughter has already an example. She looked up to his brother and we can call ourselves experienced parents. At present, our children speak French but we are now starting to communicate with them using basic English and some Tagalog words. I assure you children are like sponge. They could quickly and easily assimilate things around them.
Okay now we go to religion, so far we haven’t got any problems about this. It’s true that we are more religious and practitioners than of Europeans but this doesn’t signify that we are better Christian compared to them. Our goal for them is to become a better person and not turning them into some priests or saints. Moreover, I would like my daughter to call her brother Kuya or Ate including the children of my Filipino friends (addressing an elder person with respect).
On the French part, I simply ask my children to call Tati, Tata, Tante for Aunties and Tonton, Oncle for- Uncles� if they permit so. I have already explained to them that it is a part of my culture. As a respect, I will not insist my children if the frenchies prefers to be called by their first name because I have a great consideration of the French culture as it is their culture too. Being a parent of mixed nationalities we made guidelines to balance things at home. To help us improve as a parent of two wonderful children.
1. We see the good side of both cultures and try to merge them.
2. Learn and respect what are important from each culture and cultivate them.
3. Most especially no criticizing of each culture. It will not help. This will make the children confuse and later on take sides.
4. Punish with a loving and forgiving heart. Stop over reacting when they make a mistake. Give them a chance to explain.
5. Do not get angry at the same time. To avoid the feeling of being unloved.
6. Do not forget to praise and congratulate them! This is important because they learn and gain confidence.
7. We start talking to them about racism. That people are not the same. Colors, cultures, languages, religions, weather and vice versa. And that there is no perfect country!
8. Lastly, if you want them to speak other languages talk with your partner. Both should arrive on unanimous accord. (this is always not the case that a husband or wife will agree)
I speak from experience that raising kids in a foreign land is a tedious undertaking. I knew from the beginning that I would raise them differently because they have two origins. Therefore, they would have two different cultures, two or more languages, religions and everything that would go with it as a product of mixed marriages.Talking about culture, I believe that as a stay at home mother I play an important role in instilling good values and discipline while husband is at work. This does not necessarily mean that my French husband has nothing to do when it comes to disciplining our children. On the contrary, he is a big help as I couldn’t do it by myself alone. The father serves as a neutralizer when I am losing my patience. It is a matter of teach and learn relationship at home having diverse cultures. I will take this as an example; my husband does not agree that spanking is the solution to discipline our children not a part of their culture. For him the best punishment is to send them to their room and they cannot go out until they are called. This depends also on the gravity of what they did. Or they are not allowed to watch their favorite cartoons.
A Filipino couple who’s been living more than 20 years in France told me that in school, educators are teaching the children that once their parents lay their hands on them they should immediately call the police to report. As if we don’t know the distinction between outright violence and disciplinary measures. Generally speaking, we Filipinos have our own way and spanking is one of them as a form of discipline (according to research studies ). Honestly, the first thing I do is to talk to them diplomatically but sometimes it doesn’t resolve things–and the result is that they will do it again. Then scolding follows but children tend to disregard thinking that Mom loves me so she will not punish me and spanking doesn’t imply that we love them less. Now, comes Monsieur Palo (Mr. Spanky, as what my hubby calls it with an action of his hand raising). Spanking differs from beating a child. I know that we have all different strategies and tactics but personally spanking doesn’t mean physical aggression as long as we know the limits. We all know that there’s a BIG difference between physically aggressed and physically reprimanded! Now, tell me do you know anyone that haven’t been visited by Monsieur Palo ? I think we should just show them that we have the authority and be firm whatever punishment is necessary and they also have the right to reason out if needed!
Language, I am perplexed! My husband prefers that I talk to them in Tagalog but I prefer talking to them in English first because this is a big plus when they will start schooling. Since English is not a second language in France and at school they emphasizes more on European Languages (Italian, Spanish & German).
Just to reiterate, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like my mother toungue, of course I do! It’s just that I would like them to learn the international language as is it the easiest form of communication. I was telling him that I don’t think when you go to neighboring countries you could converse in Tagalog. While deciding what language to use we have encountered problems in the past with our son Sebastien, he talked very late. I don’t know why? Some says because he’s a boy and that boys are late speakers. Other says because he was confused what languages to use since there are three languages at stake. As a first time parent we didn’t know what to do, we were afraid. My husband (as an only child and inexperienced when it comes to kids) almost decided to ask help from a Pediatric Psychology. I myself by the way has 3 siblings and experienced when it comes children and telling him that it’s just normal that he will speak a bit late. We asked the pediatrician and we were advised to speak first in one language. When he’s able that would be the time to gradually introduce him to other languages. This is also to help him avoid stressing out while growing up. I think we were just very demanding at that time because we have seen children from mixed marriages who spoke two or more languages, we were impressed! After reflection, why do we put so much pressure on him? He is just a child. He is just starting to learn and he will all have the time for that. The reason why he started pre-schooling at 2 years and a half to learn how to socialize with other children of his age. Fortunately, we have good results he improved a lot. Having a second child is less difficult because our daughter has already an example. She looked up to his brother and we can call ourselves experienced parents. At present, our children speak French but we are now starting to communicate with them using basic English and some Tagalog words. I assure you children are like sponge. They could quickly and easily assimilate things around them.
Okay now we go to religion, so far we haven’t got any problems about this. It’s true that we are more religious and practitioners than of Europeans but this doesn’t signify that we are better Christian compared to them. Our goal for them is to become a better person and not turning them into some priests or saints. Moreover, I would like my daughter to call her brother Kuya or Ate including the children of my Filipino friends (addressing an elder person with respect).
On the French part, I simply ask my children to call Tati, Tata, Tante for Aunties and Tonton, Oncle for- Uncles� if they permit so. I have already explained to them that it is a part of my culture. As a respect, I will not insist my children if the frenchies prefers to be called by their first name because I have a great consideration of the French culture as it is their culture too. Being a parent of mixed nationalities we made guidelines to balance things at home. To help us improve as a parent of two wonderful children.
1. We see the good side of both cultures and try to merge them.
2. Learn and respect what are important from each culture and cultivate them.
3. Most especially no criticizing of each culture. It will not help. This will make the children confuse and later on take sides.
4. Punish with a loving and forgiving heart. Stop over reacting when they make a mistake. Give them a chance to explain.
5. Do not get angry at the same time. To avoid the feeling of being unloved.
6. Do not forget to praise and congratulate them! This is important because they learn and gain confidence.
7. We start talking to them about racism. That people are not the same. Colors, cultures, languages, religions, weather and vice versa. And that there is no perfect country!
8. Lastly, if you want them to speak other languages talk with your partner. Both should arrive on unanimous accord. (this is always not the case that a husband or wife will agree)
Comments
I like the point you made about children doing things in their own time. With my first son, he didn't speak early either. Some people were asking why this and why that. But my husband's bestfriend's wife assured me that he will talk in his own time. And he indeed talk when he turned two and after that, he wouldn't stop!!! He can converse easily in both French and English and is familiar and comfortable hearing Spanish, Poruguese and German, courtesy of his father and cartoons!!! When he encounters someone he cannot understand, it is so amusing to see him use all the languages he knows to try and communicate. And when everything else fails, he has learned the art and significance of sign language.
Research have proven that children with knowledge of two or more language adjust better in life and unfamiliar environment. They also tend to be more open-minded to other cultures.
But your point I like best is: Punish with a loving and forgiving heart. Stop over reacting when they make a mistake. Give them a chance to explain.
There is a lot of pressure on us to teach our children the right values and manners in different millieu. On top of that, there are events of the day and in our life that can stress us that sometimes we lose patience or become short-tempered that we tend to blow out of proportion and over-react to their mischief.
Let us hope that we learned from how we were as children, from the good in the way our parents raised us as well as from their shortcoming.
have fun in corsica. buti ka pa pwede mag blog if you are on vacation!
i grew up with english as my first language and only had to learn filipino at school; i really regret not being able to speak boholano (my dad) or kapampangan (my mom). my hubby and i decided to teach our kids ilonggo (he's from iloilo); but that means i have to learn as well ;-)
I grew up in a time when race was a huge factor in everything. Today, kids don't see race as prominently as we did. We're about to elect the first black president of the free world for heaven's sake! I hope the world your kids will inherit will be even more open minded.
From my perspective, as a Filipino raised a Canadian, I am grateful that my parent did not neglect to teach us Tagalog. I am always dismayed to hear of Filipinos who are new immigrants to Canada, who suddenly forget their language, and conclude that their children are too good to learn their heritage. It's not a very Canadian attitude to forget one's ethnic heritage. We've been in Canada for over 30 years, and although my brothers were born here, they can understand Filipino.
It's good that your husband wants you to speak to your kid in tagalog. They will learn French, Italian, and Spanish at school. Their brains are like sponges they'll pick it all up. I remember mixing up the languages too when I was little, but it all worked out in the end. I wish that I could know more languages, but I guess it's never too late to try and learn. You're right though, English will serve them well in the future.
Now the discipline thing. My nephew is being raised to get "time-outs" too. No hitting. I think it sets a better example for them to be able to handle future instances of conflict resolution. Filipino culture is very hierarchical, so I appreciate the need to teach them respect for elders vis-a-vis addressing people by their appropriate title. My brothers have always called me kuya, and I cannot bring myself to call my elders by their first names. However, western culture is more rebelious and independent, so when you assert your authority physically, it can back-fire. I think it also teaches that if you don't get your way, than just hit the other person hehe.... On the other hand, it's led to cases where the kids are in control of the parents! And they go too far when the state interferes with a parent's right to discipline their own children as they see fit. It's a fine line.... like I said I don't envy people with kids hehe...
I think you and your husband are both intelligent and proactive partners. I'm sure you'll do a great job raising your kids given your unique challenges. Keep up the good work.
on the other hand you are lucky--you are with family, many are not, they are away from family
I agree that your children are like sponge and I'm sure that they will learn French, English and Tagalog proficiently. I admire you for keeping your Filipino values and traditions and at the same time trying to assimilate to the French culture. That is definitely no easy task but I think that you're doing it very well.
on bilingualism, i've never considered that louna is a late speaker tho my MIL still have that in mind (even up to now) even when louna starts to construct sentences in french. and that's because louna lets out some english words from time to time and for her, louna could be confused with these different languages. her pediatrician says she's developing normally so i don't take their comments seriously.. and who could talk about bilingualism more aptly but us filipinos who are multilingual by nature, right? what do they know?
on discipline, i dont use mr spanky (never knew mr palo myself) but well adapted the time-out corner.. i talk and explain to my daughter when she did something bad.. scolding is good but if she doesnt understand why she's being scolded, then it's useless, right.
you've got wonderful children, that means you're on the right track. kudos to you.
I was updating my Kabataq member links and I realized I haven't added you yet. I hope you don't mind if I did. Thanks.
BERNADETTE ANNE: I am sure I am not alone in this situation. All of us who are into mixed marriages are doing our best and overcoming struggles as we educate our children. I think we should give our kids all the information and support they need while growing up. Thanks for your words, it means a lot!
RAQGOLD : Well for those person who really thinks that it's confusing to teach children with two or more languages is not into mixed marriages. It's always easy to judge especially when we are not on the same boat, ika nga! Wow Thai, galing :D! Oo medyo nakakasingit sa blogging hihihi..
CARYN: Thanks, it's to share and give assurances to parents who are experiencing the same dilemma! Yes I think it would be nice if you could learn Ilonggo since it's a part of your origin. My Dad is from Bacolod and I do speak and understand a little bit of Ilonggo :D !
Salut ANGELO! Oh I am sure you can do better than me ;). I was also surprised to learn that you can converse in French, you're good! Happy as well to see Kababayans even raised in the foreign countries who doesn't neglect their origin. On hitting, sometimes I think kids need it once in a while because they could be out of control which sometimes leads to impoliteness and disobedience and that I cannot accept. And yes my daughter calls his brother Kuya religiously :D! Thank you for your words Angelo it's flattering.
SEXY MOM: Thanks for the visit. And I am really glad that I am doing just fine especially with husband's full support. I also learn from people like you :D !
Don't be BABETTE I am sure you are living in a country with its own beauty and charm. Back from our Corsica holiday !
ANALYSE: Kids differ from each other so I guess we cannot really say that one is better than other kids. I think first child will always be over protected kasi syempre first experience din. Yes, we are bilingual by nature so I guess our kids will have an easier access to language. Good to know that you haven't had visits from Mr. Palo, dakilang anak ka LOL!
BLOGGITYBLOGS being a stay at home could be very arduous as we always are witnesses of their mischief....result we easily lose our patience. At the moment, Mr. Palo is quieter because he has learned to be more patient :D so good luck to us. Our responsibilities are never ending but its worth to learn. No problem for exchange links :D!