Because I am married to a foreigner

Before leaving for the second time to the Philippines I remember having a conversation with a Filipina (married to a Filipino) asking me "Hindi ka ba natatakot umuwi sa Pilipinas na kasama mga anak mo ?" (Are you not afraid to go back to the Philippines with your kids?). I surprisingly answered her question with a question "Bakit naman Ate ?" (Why is that Ate?). She initially had qualms bout bringing her kids there. For the following reasons, it's too hot for them, or mosquitoes will bite them, that her children are afraid of flying cockroaches, and the worse because of the traffic and pollution. I myself was indeed flabbergasted… I must admit her reaction annoyed me a lot. First off, I didn't expect to hear from her who apparently grew up in the province (this does not imply that a person who lives in the province is less privileged). I am proud to say that I grew up in the province and participated planting rice together with the workers of my grandparents to fell how it was. I even fed all sorts of animals like carabaos, cows, chickens, dogs’ cats and pigs. I am sure she is used to mosquito bites, flying insects, traffic and everything despite of the uncertainties she has. I frostily answered her that I am not afraid if my kids will experience such. Somehow it will be a good familiarity for them. To get used of my country....in which it is part of them. To know half of their origin ! First rule I am not ashamed where I came from….I STOP PRETENDING to be someone that I am not. After all mosquitoes, traffic, pollution and everything do exist in every corner of the world. Let's just be vigilant about those.

It's funny to think how people transform in this short period of time. Are they afraid to go back to their origin because they live in a new environment in which life is more comfortable? Or earning dollars or euros made them change? Or is it something about having a new nationality that made those abrupt changes? Perplexing isn’t it? Come on I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth neither she is! It’s like she had anesthesia, a person with complete numbness not noticing that I was irritated. Now follows another question! She asked me if my husband isn’t afraid for them. I just told her that my husband is not afraid so why should I? He even wishes to live there one day when we get our retirement. Secondly, we teach our children to adapt in all sorts of situations and places. Although Philippines is a poor country and economically unstable it will always be home for me. Honestly, I am frightened....afraid but not from the insects and mosquito bites, traffic or pollution those are just minor things and that could be avoided and resolve. I am tremendously anxious on individuals' personal impressions of us.

Being married to a foreigner some people look at me differently as if I am well-off. Some would even dare to ask me money to buy a boat for fishing (she’s not even my family). Some would tell me “Hindi ka na maabot, yaman mo na” I could not reach you because you’re rich. Or “Yayaman ka lalo dahil kuripot ka”. I will become richer because I am frugal. Those blistering words I encountered when I went back to the Philippines last 2005 not from my own family but those from bystanders who does not have a tiny bit idea of who I really am.
Regardless of how many intimidating questions I just cannot let go from them. Questions follow me like shadows. I thought Filipinos living abroad would be more open-minded. Sadly, some are brilliants but with narrow-opinions. I have had loads of questions from people and generally being obnoxious, I swear they are not worth my time. And as to why I am married to a foreigner people see me that I am after my husband’s money or position, or I was picked up somewhere from one of the bars in Manila, or I am simply a mail order bride. Pathetic! Filipinas who are married to foreigner are being stereo-type, what an injustice! Now that some people know me in my place, they would snoop out on me. Still interested what kind of questions I’ve encountered? Okay these are worth sharing anyway so question and answer portion is on!

1. Where did you meet? (very common)


2. Does your husband give you money? (intriguing)

3. How am I able to aid family back home since I don’t work? (as if I married honey for money. I would have married a 4 MMMM’s Matandang Mayaman Madaling Mamatay ; an old rich man dying sorry for being morbid)

4. If I shop, do I get the things that I want? (This pertains if I can buy expensive things of course)

5. Does my husband allows me to go out ? (I’m not a prisoner)

6. Who pays the ticket when you invite your family to come ? (obviously I don’t work)


7. Does hubby complains if we often go to the Philippines? (of course plane tickets are expensive but he's not )


8. Are your in-laws nice to you ? (if not where’s the problem of course they are)

9. If you want to work does your husband allows you to work as a domestic helper ? (ok will not explain why ? )


10. Do you live in a villa ? (who cares)


I still have loads of them but will stop until here. Anyway, a lot could relate some are not. Others would find this post irritating but your reaction will always be your right. I am maybe married to a foreigner but that doesn’t give them the right to judge how I live my life !

Comments

Sidney said…
I think Filipinos ask a lot of questions in general even if you meet them for the first time.
They ask question we would consider in the West as "none of your business".
I am awed by the fact that some Filipinos, you have never met before, are able to know everything about you in less than 5 minutes. And you know as much about their lives the next 5 minutes.
It is a cultural thing. Westeners are more reserved and want more privacy.

Saan ka galing/pupunta? is more of a greeting but still connotes curiosity.
kala said…
When I came across someone in the internet being so paranoid about bringing their child to the Philippines, I was so disgusted. Of course I can understand their general concern for their child's safety, but the way they voiced out those concerns were more than that - it was clearly showing their aversion towards the country they grew up in. I guess several years in a foreign country can really make them forget where they were born and what life they had... freaking turncoats.
Analyse said…
Different strokes for different folks. While I'd like my daughter to experience probinsya life as I knew it.. like you, feeding all sorts of animals, plating syato, name it.. there will always be some who would deny this rich cultural differences from their children. Too sad.

And yes, such questions normally come out from those persons you don't even know. Know what, each time I go home to the Phils for work, I incite a lot of curiosity over me - why I travel on business class, ang yaman ko siguro kasi engr ako, pano ako nakapasok, paano ako napunta sa France - and once I answer that I'm with a Frenchguy, tadan, the next comment would be, naku, ang yaman mo sigurado no, ilang taon na mister mo?

i was actually laughing on the questions you listed, i get a good dose of some of those too.
Anonymous said…
for question #10 you should reply, "yes I have two"! Just kidding.

While asking where you and your husband met is an innocent question in itself, there are some people who would ask this with a deeper motive in mind. Especially if it's followed by #2. I think if someone actually asked me if my husband gives me money or if he let's me go out, I might just have to laugh at them and say, "are you serious". Thank God I've never had this experience. Well maybe I have, I just didn't pay enough attention.

From the way you wrote your post, it sounds like someone asked you one of these foolish questions recently. Am I right? Maybe answering them sarcastically will do the trick.

-joanne
Analyse said…
you're tagged!
Hi Haze! you got a neat blog site. Lingaw ko sa imong blog.
Jo Travels said…
Asking very personal questions are indeed very typical Filipino; its part of the culture, which I have to say I dislike. The type of questions these people ask or their remarks speaks also of the level of mentality they have and of course their economic situations. Less privileged people will always talk about the better life and money because they do not have it – it is their ultimate dream. And it’s the unique differentiator between you and them that they can quickly and are able to identify and point out, albeit tactlessly, which is quite normal anyway in the Philippines.

When I go home, I have a different set of questions (and judgments) waiting for me from friends, ex-colleagues, and acquaintances, not so much with my direct/close family as they are quite open-minded -- When will you get married? Why you are not yet married? When will you have children? Why do you not want to have children? Why do you not want to get married? You should be insecure of your relationship because you are not married? Your Dutchman is just playing with you and is not committed? You think you are a strong woman? You are too liberated! You are a lost soul! You don’t even go to church anymore!

LOL

Then there are those people in the mall you encounter too. We always get a lot of stares from everyone but I rarely get approached and asked, maybe because I do not have a friendly look, but an older woman spoke to me once while I was queuing up to pay and said, “Your husband looks young and decent. How did you meet him?”

Oh well, life in the Philippines indeed…

-DP
haze said…
You have a good resume of Filipino culture SIDNEY I am sure you are getting used to it ! Sad to say some doesn't have reservation and since living abroad means away from the family we always treat and consider Filipinos like brothers and sisters. But this doesn't mean that we are not entitled with our own privacy ! yes Westerners have more privacy, more discreet I guess that Filipinos should learn this sometimes.

What a shame KALA ! That is what I don't understand that some people are capable to forget where they come from ! Being afraid of what ??? Indeed freaking ratter!

Oh I don't really mind if my children will learn the ardous way of living or condition ANALYSE. I would rather be proud of them. I wouldn't like my kids to be ignorant of their other culture
And so you had a dose of them too! Okay I forget the "age" question :D. I think they would like an advice on how to catch a big fish! Now I just laugh at them! Will do the tag when we get back to Marseille !
haze said…
I think the difference is that you grew up in the US so people see you like one of them JOANNE or you are already condisered as foreigner with Filipino origin. The impression of us Filipinas who have met husbands in the Philippines are unlikely opposite. Here we talk about processing of papers like the visa and everything, they see us like we are escaping from the situation we have had, or we are after money, & position ! Good to know that you haven't experience that at least probably people from your surroundings aren't narrow minded and judgmental.

Thanks for passing byCHRONICLES OF A WAYFARER BY EVA!

I believed that everyone find it irritable DP asking personal question is a NO! Except some close friends & sometimes even with them I still have reservation. To some, I know that they wanted to be in my position, there is also jealousy in between. But I do not really brag about it having been married to a foreigner because I can tell you there are people who are proud about it & because acquiring citizenship is hard...I know someone!
As I've said I've got those questions from person that aren't important to me before it was annoying but now I am used to it I just ignore or laugh about it ! Just a waste of time and saliva !
Apol said…
Hi, Haze! Happy New Year... kahit late. Just got back from the Philippines, where I fortunately did not get asked any of those questions you enumerated. Buti na lang, baka upakan ko sila :) To that girl you spoke to, tell her to come on over and visit the Camargue. The mosquitoes here are so big and so fierce they can bite you through your jeans, no kidding! Walang laban ang lamok from the Pilipens.

Apol
Yen Prieto said…
ironically, i can somewhat relate 2 u ate. to think im not married to a foreigner but my 2 exes are foreigner. ung last one when i brought him to phils, halos lahat ng questions na nilista mo natanong ata sakin. and whats annoying pa is when u go outside of manila and see all these filipinas with DOM foreigners, who obviously are after the money lang. super bothered ung ex ko pag nakakakita sya ng gnun kasi nga accdg to him "it's very wrong". but i remember telling him that time, that im 101% sure ganun dn iniisip ng mga pinay na yun sakin khit hndi naman ako ganon. I mean, nkakainis lang sa pinas when u are w/ a foreigner, it;s either mail order bride ka nga or DH na pumatol sa amo mo or pinulot ka sa bar. ayko na nga ng foreigner uli hahaha.
Anonymous said…
For the mosquito thing, i agree it's bit dangerous because last year my niece who is 5 years old died across to what we called "Denque" so just take EXTRA careful during your vacance with kids and be careful of yourself too! ENJOY! GOd bless you all family!
Francesca said…
those are questions from ignorant pinays who still in cou cou land.
In france the culture is: you dont have the right to ask of anything to anybody, what they do, eat where they sleep,, whom they are with, etc etc.
That one has no better discussion at all.
Not a good thing to say, but she better be: degage, on her bike, buzz off!ciao!

yan haze, support ko yan sa yo, keep off sa ganyang mentality!
Francesca said…
those are questions from ignorant pinays who still in cou cou land.
In france the culture is: you dont have the right to ask of anything to anybody, what they do, eat where they sleep,, whom they are with, etc etc.
That one has no better discussion at all.
Not a good thing to say, but she better be: degage, on her bike, buzz off!ciao!

yan haze, support ko yan sa yo, keep off sa ganyang mentality!
Chibog in Chief said…
its good thing you wrote about this post..i could very well relate to this..anyway people know my personality, hindi lang upak may tadyak pa sila !! :-)

ps, how is basti??ok na ba sya??
haze said…
Happy New Year too and welcome back APOL ! Glad to hear that you haven't had a series of annoying questions, good for you. But sometimes don't you feel being stereo-typed? Don't you see people "casting suspicious glances" at you sometimes? Come to Marseille, you will be eaten alive!

Oh sorry to hear that you had also tons of annoying questions YEN! And yes we cannot get off from that tiger look. Anyway, let us think that hindrance becomes a one if we believe what others think of us ! Do not be afraid if you will fall in love with a foreigner then go ahead ! Foreigners or Filipinos it's just a question of being in love with the person !

Hello there and thank you for visiting MARICHU sorry to hear about your niece! I know Dengue my brother was affected by it and thank God he was able to outlived. What we do before we to on vacationing we usually bring mosquito repellent and we have this spray that we buy at the pharmacy prescribed by the doctor INSECT ECRAN think about buying this, it's a big help ! Of course, the thought of Dengue is scaring me and that makes me more vigilant! Thanks for the concern, much appreciated !

Don't worry about me FRANCESCA I just ignore them or laugh about it. It will serve to show that some are showing their ignorance and conceitedness!

Relax HILDA relax ! Don't be carried away if you show them you are affected that would only mean that we are what they think! Anyway, my motto: Why do I need to justify myself it's my life and I know myself better than anyone else !
Apol said…
I'm baacck :) Yeah, of course, I've had my share of these one-second-longer than necessary glances. I think this time around we didn't get any of that because we stayed mainly in the Makati-Alabang area, where I suppose people are so used to seeing foreigners and their sometimes Filipina spouses that they don't care anymore, and when we went elsewhere it was to stay with friends in the provinces. We went to Boracay, but I've learned my lesson there and we stayed clear of hotspots and just hung out at dive shops and restos. Strategy ang kailangan, Haze :) O kaya extreme dedma.
Analyse said…
oh, ill take note of that insect ecran on our next travel, thanks for mentionning it.
Toe said…
Very insightful post Haze. May pagkapakialamero nga tayong mga Pinoy no? To the point na it's quite offensive already. We also create stereotypes... ayan nga... because you're married to a foreigner. But I'm proud of you for standing your ground.
raqgold said…
hahaha, i love this post :D sooo true, i met a pinay in bangkok. sabi nya she cant speak tagalog na daw kasi she's been in bangkok for 9 years, whoaaa.. muntik ko na batukan ha. hindi ko na lang pinagkakausap at baka masabihan ko sya ng di nya magustusan sa tagalog e bigla syang makaintindi, hehehe
haze said…
I am glad it will the info will help you ANALYSE. Have fun in Egypt!

OO minsan talaga tayong mga Pilipino ganon TOE. No reflections, lots of talking! Ok na ako ngayon nasanay na kasi ako eh! Now I just ignore non-sense questions magkaka wrinkles lang ako :D !

HAHAHAHA, I like your humour RAGGOLD buti na lang na control mo emotions mo otherwise nakatikim sya ng wala sa oras!
Shoshana said…
I have heard of those. I could let it bother me, but then, there's so many things to put my mind to, I ignore it.

I haven't brought all my children to the Philippines because the plane ticket is over 8000 USD. Unfortunately, for that amount of money, Hawaii can be visited for half that.

Also, I live very close to area where they kidnap foreigners. I am not rich, but they might not believe me, and I can't gamble with my kid's life that way.

I guess you haven't met the few who said with concern..."people will think you're a prostitute because you have a white husband"

seriously! I can't expose my kids to such ignorance. It won't be good for them...yeah, and the ticket is really expensive.
Anonymous said…
wow, those are some pretty tactless and ignorant questions and attitudes Haze. You have every right to post this, maybe it'll school somebody in how not to be stupid.
haze said…
As a mother I understand her concerns too GERI but she should have said she is worried and not afraid. She is a Filipino of origin she should have known better! That's shows detestation on her part. What we normally do before leaving we go to the Center of Vaccination and asked the doctor's advice. We were given prescription of what to bring against insects bites etc.

You see these are true questions I have heard but that doesn't intimidate me. Now, I just laugh on them.

Welcome and thanks for your visit SHOSHANA. Oh that is indeed expensive. Just save your money & probably invite your family to come over that would maybe come out less expensive. I would be afraid too if I live in a place where foreigners are the center of kidnapping (that is frightening than mosquitoes).

Silly questions aren't they but what can we do ? For them if I am (we are) with white men, I am (we are) of the same skin. Now I know who my friends really are !

At first I was really angry ANGELO but I take it as a challenge. Now instead of burning like a fire, I just try to understand and educate them !
Anonymous said…
asking questions is good.it helps people to know each other better.
Anonymous said…
it is just a way to make a connection between two people I guess..
haze said…
MAC,thanks for the comment. I agree but it depends what kind of questions and who asked it (pertains with friends and just simply acquaintance)!


JOB appreciate your visit. Connecting people is good but there has to be a limit too without getting too private!