to be, or not to be


"Vous avez un risque de ne pas avoir des enfants"! You have the risk not to have children....the gynecologist said right from the clinic....I was stunned....I wanted to cry but the tears doesn't come out.....my heart was in total rebellion. Life is unfair ! It's like the whole world is against me !

Of all people why me? What did I do to deserve this ? Why can't I have the chance while others dare to have an abortion? I kept asking a lot of questions but finally gave up. Got tired of questioning myself. I remained a prisoner of my fear and really wanted to get out if this is only a dream.

Going back at home with my husband I can't stop myself asking him what if it happens? What if I couldn't give him children? What if later on it would be the cause of our separation ? I know I am being paranoid. Personally, I cannot imagine myself married without children because I have always wanted to have kids myself. I have always like children, I remember when I was young (around 14 y.old) my aunties or uncles would asked me to look after my cousins to babysit and I love accepting without a bit of hesitation. I am sure that some adoloscents would prefer to play with their friends at an early age.

For two reasons, I have
hyperthyroid and I only have my period once or twice in a year and sometimes the worse is not to have it at all. I really hate the feeling of having my monthly period because I used to vomit, couldn't eat, was suffering from Dysmenorrhea and all I wanted to do was stay in my room. Taking paracetamols or other medications has not really helped me to relieved the pain. Efficacy was a big question. What I usually take was a chinese alcohol, one shot and the pain will gradually disappear.

But the good thing about this my husband has been very supportive and we have face this challenge together. He told me that there are many ways to have children. Firstly, we could have an adoption. Since at that time artificial insemination or what we call now
In Vitro fertilization is not 100% sure but at least it's a way to keep holding on.

For two consecutive years I have lived my life. While husband is out working I took french lessons to learn the language, socialized with foreigners in my class and keep myself integrated in a foreign land. I indulged myself to sports. Go to cinema, eat out with friends just to keep myself busy and forget the fear of not having children one day. I guess life is really beautiful and that there is HOPE whatever challenges in life we are into.

One day, I woke up and needed to go for an on job training thru the help of (
ANPE) but I was not determined to go. Was too lazy to get up from bed. I thought I was suffering from menstrual pain again. I was near vomitting, well the same story. But I felt one thing very strange, normally I don't have breastpain. So then, was waiting for my period but it's been a week that I am in pain, total pain. I decided to take an appointment to my gynecologist. While examining me thru the use of ultra sound she found out that I am 2 weeks PREGNANT. From that moment, I was like in heaven. I saw my gynecologist how glad she was. I could not explain the joy I saw in her eyes. My husband should have been with me but he came late but as I was going out from the doctor's clinic we have crossed our path. At first, I looked sadly to him while asking me what's wrong. From sadness, I suddenly changed my facial expression and announcing him that I am 2 weeks pregnant. He tightly embraced me. He was teary eyed and wanted to shout for joy.

My life is like of
Hamlet's of Shakespeare and I love the line that says "To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?" It's either I choose between the life of action versus the life of silence acceptance. But I am hardheaded and I want to get what I want in my life. If only I gave up on something that I believed it could happen I probably would not have wonderful children by now. If only I turned myself from fighting I will never see beautiful creatures running around the house. I don't easily give up and I have struggled a lot of what I wanted to have and not to have (bad decisions) in my life. I have fervently prayed to HIM and called angels and saints to give me HOPE. Life is a full of surprises we will never know what will happens next. Life is a continuous challenge but we need to hold on and never give up. Life is a key to happiness so then I am sharing this to you !


note: I took the symbol (spermatozoid) from internet, funny it's like a sun "light after dark" meaning HOPE...


Comments

Anonymous said…
This post inspires me Haze.
Anonymous said…
omg! that's very good news, congratulations!!!! (ninang ako sistah ha!)
Raquel said…
Hi Haze, ang ganda naman ng story mo.

Grabe, 1 or 2 times lang ang periods mo in a year? Buti nalang nagka baby ka at nagiging dalawa.

I can't imagine there are couples who are suffering from depression dahil di sila magka-anak. Then after ten years, tsaka pa lang. I can only imagine how happy they are.

So you like Shakespeare huh? I tried once to read with his book pero, di ko natapos, mahirap kasing intindihin. Masyadong malalim eh.

Bakit pala nagiging April 2 ang date sa entry mo? Sinadya mo ba yan?
Makis said…
I love the egg & sperm or "fertilization" photo, Haze! I had a couple of friends who, like you, have irregular periods & all of them got preggy easily :) The mystery of half-accepting that you might not get preggy actually is a big help psychologically than someone like me who knows that I can get preggy anytime so I wait like a vulture every month - the stress becomes a psychological barrier. You're right, there's so much to hope for. Very well written, Haze!
Angelo said…
Salut Haze ca va? Wow you only have a yearly period? It must be liberating though, most women have to deal with it 12 times a year, and you not so much :) I'm glad your story turned out well. I'm glad you took arms against your sea of troubles, Hope certainly springs eternal for those of faith. Your children are even more precious than ever. Thanks for sharing, God continue to bless you and your family!
Yen Prieto said…
im sooo glad to read this my dear.. congrats! u inspire a lot of people who are going through the same thing to never lose hope and continue to believe in HIM... take care always and i hope ur baby will be a healthy angel... :)
Francesca said…
ALL COME IN TIME, di ba haze? The wonders of reproduction and its seems all magic. Now you have those kids and you still kept wondering, how did I made them?

Basta, you are one blessed lady and you deserve to have a family.

CHEERS! Labas na yang pastis dyan, lol
haze said…
Toe : Hoping that my story would give hope and inspire people in my own little way. Thanks Toe !

Nao : Yes I am very blessed with two healthy kids and I am very grateful. (WOw sige ba, halika na sa France).

Raquel : I never really imagine myself having kids later on. At times, I felt hopeless. Yon nga lang talagang I just believed that there's light after dark. Naku hirap talaga intindihin ang Shakespeare nagustuhan ko lang talaga yang line na yan :) ! Sorry, thanks for reminding me of the date, tagal na kasing draft to eh! Co'z everyone got sick kaya medyo natagalan! Thanks again Raquel !

Makis : Thanks Makis ! It's not easy to overcome our fear and to be stressed out especially that we both have hyperthyroid. Your case of HT is worse that mine. You are under medications and I was not. But what I am sure of Makis that your time will come sooner than expected, so get ready :) all my prayes for you !

Angelo : Coucou Angelo! I was happy at that time that I was having my period once or twice a year, i thought it was good di pala. Latter part, it made me realized that it would cause complications. I think my faith has moved my world so I can breath the air of hope. I strived harder to captured the battle of my own fear.

Yen : Sharing my combat is a way to raise the spirits, to impart courage and inspiration to people who are in the verge of giving up. And to prove that whatever problems we meet on the way there would always be a solution.

Francesca : Yes, that's the magic of life! We were not expecting that things will turn out perfectly for us. It's probably I always keep the faith....whatever happens and that faith...healed me!
Anonymous said…
We should never lose hope talaga. I also have a friend who gets her period irregularly. She has two children now but she suffered three miscarriages, all twins. Her oldest one is also a twin but only one survived. She also didn't lose hope. Ten years ang pagitan ng 2 anak niya.

Your story will definitely inspire people who are going through the same thing. :)
Analyse said…
life is indeed full of surprises.. tho i knew the story, i cant help myself get emotionnal esp on the part where you met hubby after the rdv with the doctor.. ça devrait être un moment très fort pour vos deux.. bisous à toute la famille... j'espère que les enfants vont bien, les parents aussi.. louna va mieux, buti naman.. i was really worried last week, napa absent tuloy ako, but no regrets, i prefer to be with my daughter than pretend to work while thinking of her hehe.. bises!
haze said…
Niceheart : I am glad for your friend Niceheart! It only shows that whatever problems we encounter we can always count on the brighter side of life. All we need have is faith! What happened to me was not that dramatic (i did not have miscarriages)and I admire your friend to have a positive outlook and continue to get what she wanted! She's a very courageous woman!


Analyse : Oo di ba, that was the most beautiful gift that we've received! C'était le plus beau jours de notre vie ensemble :)! Tout le monde vont très bien, merçi Ana! Nous espèrons que la petite famille aussi à bien recuperé avec tout ces histoire de virus! Don't worry Ana, she'll be alright and her anti-bodies is working very well ;) ! Nous vous embrassons !
Leah said…
Hello Haze,
What a great story and thanks for sharing this. Somehow, being a mother makes me appreciate your story so much. In faiht and trust, all is possible.
Anonymous said…
Hi Leah, your welcome! I am glad to share my experience to single women who aspire to be a mother one day that everything has an answer. Faith can move mountains !